Hearing
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number
of years. He went to the Doctor and the Doctor was able to
have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the
gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the Doctor and
the Doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family
must be really pleased that you can hear again”.
The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven't told my family
yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will three times!”
Morris, an 82 year old man, went to the Doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the Doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the Doctor spoke to Morris and said,
“You're really doing great, aren't you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc. Get
a hot mamma and be cheerful''.
The Doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a
heart murmur; be careful”.
A man was telling his neighbour, “I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me $4,000.00, but it's state of the art.
It's perfect”.
“Really”, answered the neighbour . “What
kind is it?”
“ Twelve thirty”.
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, “Windy, isn't it?”
Second one says, “No, it's Thursday!”
Third one says, “So am I. Let's go get a beer”.
Memory (or lack of)
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says,
“Slim, I'm 83 year s old now and I'm just full of aches
and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby”.
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants”.
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and
after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last
night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.
I would recommend it very highly”.
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What
is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You
know. The one that's red and has thorns”.
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that's the one”, replied the man. He then
turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what's
the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a Student Nurse, I found
one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed
with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my
help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me
wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
“I don't know”, he said. “She's still upstairs
in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown”.
A Couple in their 90’s are both having problems remembering
things. During a checkup, the Doctor tells them that they're
physically okay, but they might want to start writing things
down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from
his chair. “Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?”
he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure”
“Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?” she asks.
“No, I can remember it”.
“Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe
you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice
cream with strawberries”.
“I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget
that, write it down?” she says.
Irritated, he says, “I don't need to write it down,
I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped
cream. I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a
plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
“Where's my toast ?”
A senior citizen said to his 80 year old buddy, “So
I hear you're getting married?”
“Yep!”
“Do I know her?”
“Nope!”
“This woman, is she good looking?”
“Not really”.
“Is she a good cook?”
“Naw, she can't cook too well”.
“Does she have lots of money?”
“Nope! Poor as a church mouse”.
“Well, then, is she good in bed?”
“I don't know”.
“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
“Because she can still drive!”
A tiny bit off colour
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After
catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
“No”, he replied, “Arthritis”.
Garage Door The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing
his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His Assistant
walked up to him and said, “This morning when you left
your house, did you close your garage door?”
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door and
walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly
was open and zipped it up. He then understood his Assistant's
question about his “garage door”.
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to
ask, “When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer
parked in there?”
She smiled and said, “No, I didn't. All I saw was an
old mini van with two flat tyres”...
