In our days (yawn) LoL meant "Lot's of Love" -
nowadays it means "Laughing out Loud" or "Lots
of Laughs". In fact in most cases it is a space filler
for when you have nothing to say in a chat room.
Recently, I was
diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit
Disorder.
This is how it
manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on
the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide
it needs washing.
As I start toward
the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought
up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to
go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car
keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under
the table, and notice that the can is full.
I decide to
put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the
garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque
book off the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque left.
My extra cheques
are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my
desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to
look for my cheques, but first I go to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is
getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to
keep it cold.
As I head toward
the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye-- they need water.
I put the Coke
on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been
searching for all morning.
I decide I better
put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the
flowers.
I set the glasses
back down on the counter, fill a container with water and
suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen
table.
I realize that
tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water
the flowers.
I pour some
water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor.
So, I set the
remote back on the table, get a sponge and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head
down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of
the day:
- The car isn't washed
- The bills aren't paid
- There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
- The flowers are drooping for lack of water,
- There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
- I can't find the remote,
- I can't find my glasses,
- And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I
try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm quite tired.
I realize this
is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail.
Will I live to be 80?
I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two
visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly
well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking
him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued
ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is
unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a
lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
Then he looked at me ! and asked,
"Then why do you give a damn?"
Blame Graeme for Dave starting these pages. Other contributions
gratefully accepted.
It would be good to have our life to live backwards:
You
start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every
day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect
your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold
watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy
your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, play throwball, you're
generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary
school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities,
you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in
luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room
service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then,
you finish off as an orgasm.
It was fun being a baby boomer... until now.
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with
new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba--- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me
Fall.
Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
And the best:
Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again
